Dear Awesome Worship Leader,
Thanks for your interest in our new online course, 10 Steps To Dismantle Your Worship Team Before You Move on To A Larger Church That Pays More.
Below is a description of each of the ten training modules. We believe this coaching course will benefit you as you work to demoralize your team at ___________ Church (insert whatever trendy metaphor your church has chosen to be known by).
MODULE 1: HOW TO GUILT PEOPLE INTO PRACTICING MORE
In this session, you’ll learn to say spiritual-sounding things like, “You know, Jesus died on the cross for you. Don’t you think you can practice a little for him?”
It’s a powerful motivation, and it helps people embrace that wonderful theology of salvation-by-works.
MODULE 2: HOW TO TREAT YOUR TECH TEAM AS “THE HELP”
This session will teach you how to issue authoritarian commands at your techs through your SM58. You’ll learn how to eliminate words like “please” and “thank you” from your vocabulary (unless you’re using them sarcastically).
You’ll also learn how to train each of your vocalists to ask for “more me” in the monitor at least 14 times during a rehearsal. And then blame the tech for their lousy monitor mix.
Coincidently, your sopranos will LOVE this module, too.
MODULE 3: HOW TO ASSUME THE WORST IN YOUR TEAM MEMBERS
In this session, you’ll discover how to jump to conclusions, project your insecurities onto your team members, and believe the absolute worst about them. This module comes with a handy reference guide for interpreting typical worship team behavior. Here are few examples from that:
- Shows up late = Total slacker and uncommitted to the team
- Forgets charts at home = Idiot
- Calls in sick with the stomach flu = Liar (or just extremely inconsiderate)
- Makes a suggestion to change the arrangement = believes you’re lousy worship leader and is secretly vying for your job.
MODULE 4: HOW TO TEST THE COMMITMENT OF YOUR TEAM MEMBERS
In this module, you’ll learn several strategies and tactics to see just how committed your team is. Here are some examples:
- Run rehearsals over by 45 minutes. Every week.
- Don’t give them the set list until the day before rehearsal. Then change two of the five songs before Sunday.
- Have a master list of over 200 songs that you might choose from. But don’t feel limited to that list either.
- Change rehearsal nights frequently to accommodate your coffeehouse and wine bar gigs. Remember, you’re an artist first.
Bonus Tip Sheet: You’ll also learn 21 techniques to question the commitment level of any team member who complains about these issues.
MODULE 5: HOW TO BURNOUT TEAM MEMBERS (WITHOUT THEM QUITTING)
This session is all about scheduling people as many Sundays in a row as they’ll let you.
It makes the scheduling process SOOO much easier for you.
You’ll learn that most church people just can’t say no, especially the musicians. So use that (and them) to your advantage by scheduling them every week for the foreseeable future.
You’ll also learn how to use subtle manipulation should one of them get so bold as to ask for a week off. These techniques will allow you to grant the week off in such a way that they’ll feel too guilty to do it again.
MODULE 6: HOW TO SATISFY YOUR OWN CREATIVE WHIMS
You’ll learn how to make every Sunday setlist a playground for your musical genius. You’ll discover how to…
- Create a different arrangement of a song EVERY time it’s scheduled.
- Change keys at the last minute.
- Introduce a new song every week (and make sure most are ones you’ve written)
And don’t miss out on the bonus training video in this session: How To Change The Arrangement During Sunday Morning Soundcheck.
MODULE 7: HOW TO ENCOURAGE PERFECTIONISM
You’ll learn that when it comes to helping people avoid musical mistakes, laughter is the best medicine.
That is, laugh at them when they mess up. (Unless it’s during the worship service; then roll your eyes and shake your head in frustration.)
Bonus Video: How To Have a Favorite Team Member Whose Mistakes Go Unnoticed
MODULE 8: MAKING YOUR TEAM LOOK AS HIP AS POSSIBLE
In this training session, you’ll learn how to make your platform look amazing on IMAG (and in the liner photos of your next independently-released worship album).
To do this, you’ll learn how to create an application and audition system that disqualifies anyone who might be overweight, older than 40, or, in some other way is less-than-attractive.
But what if (surprise!) one of the “least of these” can play like Lincoln Brewster or sing like that Battistelli girl?
No worries. You’ll learn techniques like putting them in the back row with low lighting and requiring that they wear all black.
MODULE 9: HOW TO (APPEAR TO) BE ABOVE REPROACH
This session teaches you the art of rationalization and deflection. For example, if you happen to show up late or unprepared, you’ll learn how to make important-sounding excuses for yourself.
And if a team member should ever dare confront you on an issue, you’ll learn two techniques to deal with this:
- Turning it back around on them as the guilty party, and…
- Placating the team member by showing remorse (without changing a thing, of course).
MODULE 10: HOW TO STACK YOUR TEAM WITH RINGERS
You’ll learn how to bring in new musicians quickly, and with little qualification process. This session will teach you how to look solely at talent and not be encumbered with things like character and personality.
You’ll also learn how to show preferential treatment to the uber-talented ones.
Thanks so much for taking the time to peruse the details of the course. We hope to partner with you soon on the demise of your worship ministry.
Director of Training
This article first appeared in May/June issue of Worship Musician Magazine.